Our Journey to Pregnancy: Fertility Struggles, Treatment Options and Miracles in the Making.
I have thought about, typed, deleted, edited, rewritten and all together scrapped this post for so long. I’ve sat through tears, frustration, confusion and joy for the past two years and decided it’s time. It’s time to tell the story, our story.
Let’s go back a few years…okay actually 13 years. I was diagnosed as a symptomatic carrier of Hemophilia, a blood disorder that caused my Factor 8 levels (the stuff that helps your blood clot if you get cut, bruised etc.) to be very very low. This diagnosis wasn’t impactful on my day to day life. I was a kid. I still ran outside, swam, screamed Disney songs, traveled and had sleepovers with my girlfriends. But when my cycles began once a month my Hematologists let us know the concerns about bleeding with little to no Factor 8 to help me stop.
This news scared me to death but much to my great relief I was told that going on birth control could help regulate my cycles and make them lighter which would lessen the chance of having any major bleeds. As a 12 year old girl, hearing all of this information was a lot to take in. I was in 7th grade. I wanted to be a normal girl whose only concern was what to wear to my band concert and if the cute boy crushing on me (my now husband Josh) would be at youth group that week. I didn’t want the burden and fear of worrying each month if I would coast by or have a bleeding episode that would land me in the hospital. My parents and doctors were amazing, absolutely AMAZING and at 13 I went on birth control. I would remain on it consistently throughout the rest of my early teens and into my early twenties.
Flash forward to 2019. Josh and I had just gotten married and now, being 23 years old, I had read and done research on birth control. I wanted off of it. I mean, birth control was all my body had known from 13 years of age. I wanted my body to detox and I wanted to give it the chance to work naturally, and if there were issues then I would face them. With Josh’s full support and encouragement I got off of birth control in August of 2019 and, much to my surprise, nothing happened.
Two months go by and not a thing. No bleeding, no signs of starting a cycle, just a state of nothingness and so the stage was set for fear to come in and questioning to torture my spirit. At this point we get a doctor involved. I have always wanted to have kids in my early twenties so I knew we needed to start the investigation process. My doctor, again another amazing light on this journey, assured Josh and I everything would work out and we would take each step one at a time.
Progesterone tablets started off the journey. I took each pill literally willing them to work magic and kick start my body into functioning on normal, regular cycles. Nothingness responded back to me. Three rounds of Progesterone later, my body finally began to function on its own and I felt like the biggest breath of air had been breathed into my lungs. I felt like a woman. I felt empowered with how my body was now working with the natural abilities God had designed it to have. I felt hope.
Enter the year 2020. My body still had cycle adjustments for the next 5 months which how could it not?! It had been silenced by synthetic hormones for 13 years. It was learning all over again, a fact that frustrated me to no end. Patience is not my virtue but, thankfully, this journey has taught me the painful beauty there is in the waiting. So, we waited.
At this point Josh and I knew we were ready to try for our family but issues still met us every month. In August we met back with my doctor and he encouraged us to keep track of my ovulation by charting it. This would help us see if my body was ovulating. It wasn’t.
My body was having cycles but I was not releasing any eggs. Devastation became my state of mind, doubt became my next door neighbor, the feelings of loss became my daily anthem. But with the love of a mama, who had been down the road of struggling to conceive herself, the prayers of family, the love and embrace of a husband and most importantly the daily grace and peace from time spent at the feet of Jesus I let go of the negative spirit telling me Josh and I wouldn’t have children and spoke life back into the dream of being a mom that God had placed in my soul when I was a young girl.
Two more months go by and that’s when we got this little miracle. I was ovulating on my own.
After a few more months of no results despite my ovulation we decided to give Clomid a try. UGH. This stuff made me feel so sick. Five days worth of pills that made me dizzy, off balance and nauseous for the entire month. Josh and I decided that we were given this journey to travel for a reason and that we would walk each new road with joy and worship to Jesus. With the first round of Clomid done I felt like a change had shifted in my soul. Something was stirring. Something was different.
We waited and realized that we would have to continue waiting. My cycle had started once again and the pregnancy test was negative, but I realized that the change and stirring I had felt wasn’t our beloved, dreamed about baby living inside of me but my full surrender to Jesus Christ. I was no longer bound by fear and negativity, but hope, dreams fulfilled, restored faith and joy, deep, abiding joy and I knew our miracle was coming. Clomid Round 2, here we go.
The picture above was the day I took my last Clomid pill in late December of 2020. After each previous prescription I would hold my breath for a month and hyper focus on each detail and day, however after this round I felt a peace I had not felt before. I pushed everything out of my mind and just focused on LIVING, celebrating the gift of each day and I honestly forgot about temperature charting and how dizzy I felt. Until 4 weeks went by. Josh was getting ready for work when he looked up and said “hey, take a pregnancy test real quick.”
“Nah.” I responded with a doubtful smile and shake of my head. “It’s too early anyway.” I felt like just waiting was better than taking a test that would just flash a “NO” at me.
“Take it,” he said as he tossed the test into my hands. I will admit I was curious and in the end that giddy, kid-like curiosity got the best of me. Josh and I watched together, IN SHOCK might I add, as the two most beautiful pink lines instantly appeared on the test in front of us. We, after a year and a half of praying, searching, dreaming and trusting, were expecting the miracle God had promised us from the beginning. Our little Huck Alexander (Josh and I both are Mark Twain fans if you can’t tell) will be making his arrival this October and we marvel at every kick and wiggle happening inside of me.
If you have read this post out of curiosity thank you for coming on to this space and letting me tell you our story. If you’ve read this post because you are currently walking or have walked a similar road, I see you. I feel you. I have been you. I am holding you up in prayer. Joy truly does come in the morning after the blackest nights of weeping, but sometimes, like scripture says, we have to think ourselves happy. We have to say no to staying in our own dark night and choose, actively choose, to celebrate joy, no matter our current surroundings. We have to make the radical shift from a “I refuse to be patient” mindset to a “I trust His process” lifestyle. I’m trusting with you. I’m believing FOR you! No matter what miracle you are waiting for, a child, a restored relationship, security, peace or deliverance, it’s coming., Look for it on the horizon of hope, raise your hands in worship in the waiting and dance in celebration when He gives you the desires of your heart.
Celebrating with you,
xoxo
Kaleigh, Josh and Baby Huck
